10 non-music tips for the festival season

10 little bits of advice so that festival newbies can learn from many years of mistakes of now hardened festival goers.

1. Always keep toilet roll on you.

There won’t be any in the toilets. If there is it will be wet or on the floor. Plus you’ll need it to cover the toilet seat, which will inevitably be covered in piss.

portaloo
Be warned. Toilets will look like this.

 

2. People are c*nts.

The sooner you accept and start to deal with this the easier it will be. They will push you and invade your personal space. If you’re one of the chosen ones you might even get a cup of piss thrown in your direction. The funny thing is the person throwing it probably has a real job he has to go back to on Monday, where he has to wear a shirt and tie and look respectable and everything. As angry as they make you just remember that they’re a festival c*nt and you’re not. You win.

Avoid these people.
Avoid these people.

3. You can never have enough baby wipes.

Or antibacterial gel, or body spray, or ANYTHING that will make you feel cleaner. The novelty of being dirty will wear off far sooner than you could imagine.

 

Survival kit
Survival kit

 

4. Don’t be fooled into thinking that having sex in a tent will be romantic or enjoyable.

…it wont.

It's never going to be good.
It’s never going to be good.

 

5. Consider your drinks and stage position carefully.

If you drink 3 pints and then head to the front of the stage you are risking that you will either piss yourself or need to find a toilet and never see your friends again.

It's all fun and games until you get lost and piss yourself.
It’s all fun and games until you get lost and piss yourself.

 

6. Take jumpers.

Even if it’s hot. Even if it’s the sunniest day (you wish) and your friends laugh at you for putting a jumper in your bag. Come 11pm it won’t be sunny, they’ll be shivering and you’ll be laughing.

Sure, this seems a great outfit at 2pm. You just wait until midnight.
Sure, this seems a great outfit at 2pm. You just wait until midnight.

 

 

7. Invest in one of those back up mobile charging devices.

Your phone will die. If you have an iPhone then it will probably die before you’ve even seen the first band on the first day, especially with all of those photos you’re taking to put on Instagram. Of course there’ll be places to go and charge it but you will have to queue for a day to get in. Save your phone battery – take a separate camera. You can still take photos of yourself, don’t panic. Just wait until you get home to upload them. You’ll have been tagged into the festival by everyone you’re with so everybody on Facebook will still know you’re there!

"I've only been here an hour! Are you kidding me?!"
“I’ve only been here an hour! Are you kidding me?!”

 

8. Consider sleeping tablets or drinking until you pass out.

Because sleeping on the ground isn’t comfortable. Anyone who says it is is either deluded or has always camped with sleeping tablets or through drinking until they passed out.

Lovely, comfy, cold, hard ground.
Lovely, comfy, cold, hard ground.

 

9. Those cute sandals or new flip-flops? Yeh leave them at home.

Do not bare your feet at a musical festival. You’ll lose them and your feet will get trampled and you’ll cry. You’ll have nobody to blame but yourself.

This will happen.
This will happen.

 

10. REMEMBER WHERE YOU PARKED THE CAR!

Near the red car, next to the tree” might seem like an excellent way to remember where it is, but 3 days later when you’re hungover, tired and all of the car park fields look the same and the red car next to you has probably moved and you swear there weren’t this many god damn trees before. Then. Then you’ll wish you’d paid more attention.

Oh come on!
Yeh, good luck with that!